Michael Bay's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Michael Bay's 

I'm only writing this piece to push back against all the hate that the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie is getting. I have anticipated this movie for a long time and usually when a new movie comes out I do my best to not watch trailers. Maybe one and leave it at that. From that point my interest is sparked and I can just go in and watch the movie.

Now, please understand that I love movies. I also love the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. To be completely honest, I really only have vested interest in Batman, The Flash and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I wasn't into any of this Marvel shit until Blade came out in 1998. And even to this day I am not the person to get all ecstatic over the new Thor movie. I didn't even go see The Avengers at the theaters. However, The Avengers was raw because Iron Man was raw in every single one of his movies. And what's-his-face Ruffalo was incredible! Get it!?! I love Tony and David's banter. I could watch those two talk shit all day. I guess what I'm saying is I'm not a divergent fan-boy (if I even stated that correctly). I like a few comic book movies but I don't rush out to see all of them. 

The Turtles on the other hand...

That's a much different story altogether! I remember the first time I watched the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. It was on FOX during prime time. They introduced the new cartoon that they were going to be showing. Then on came the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I never knew I could feel for turtles the way I do now before then. Astonishing! Absolutely amazing! This was the coolest shit EVER! Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird were, fucking, gods, man!

Man, I remember when that first episode went off I almost cried. I wanted more Turtles and I wanted it right then and there. From memory I drew the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles from different angles and cut out the pieces and glued them together. I swear on the planet I had to have been the first person in my city with Ninja Turtle toys. Pathetic, right? Fuck you.

After that, I knew I had a goddamn mental issue and the only known cure was The Turtles. So, to skip past all the extra crazy shit I'm gonna fast forward to 2014. In a time where anything with the name Michael and a phrase about the Bay in the same sentence tend to make people think of a horrible movie that they accredit to fucking up their entire childhood --fragile people-- and they sometimes vomit on the spot. But, I get it. I saw all the same shit y'all saw and it goes like this... We know Transformers was all fucked up, we know Freddy was all fucked up, and even before these times Michael Bay's movies hadn't really impressed me. They were always the same!

BUT... Once in a while I will see something and be like "HEY!!" Transformers 3 was one. After that I went back and watched the others and shit started changing for me. The Bumble Bee voice thing still pisses me off, and the parents are fuckin' stupid, but I see a different story unfold and I start to like it. And for anybody out there who thought the new Jason movie was a prequel-- uhh... what? How was that a prequel? You do your best to explain that to me and we'll talk.

Now, don't get me wrong. I know the difference between a good movie and a movie that simply entertained me. Bram Stoker's Dracula-- Excellent movie. Crank 2-- Stupid fuckin' movie, and I love it! Independence Day is another stupid good one. And if we're talking about Friday the 13th, when is the last time they were good-good? 

So, when I think back to 1990 when I won those free passes to see a sneak peek of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and I got four people in on a two person pass, holy shit... You are now rocking with the best... Of my childhood memories. Yet, still, I can remember how the critics bashed the shit out of that movie. Bash-bash-bash! What the fuck else do the do? They take every goddamn movie to heart. I thought about being a movie critic. Fuck that.

This new "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie didn't even get a chance to come out before bash-bash-bash from the critics. Jeez, man! Can you take all these critics seriously? NO!

Here is why I am different. I can appreciate change. The Turtles have gone through many mutations. I am not one to cling to something simply because that's how I remember it. Like I said, I'm not heavily into the comic scene, but I enjoy a good deal of what I've seen. And I used to get into it with these crazy fucking fan-boys who need every single detail of some shit to be precisely the way they remember it from their special, precious, fragile, little childhood. Grown children! I'm surrounded by Toys R Us kids who refuse to grow up. Let it go. If someone new wants to tackle The Turtles and give it a brand new origin story and put a new spin on it, how the fuck does it ruin your life? 

I encourage change. Do something new. So what if I don't like the new one. I still have the ones I enjoy. And when it comes to this 2014 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I just want to say "Thank you, Michael Bay." I gave you a super-duper pass after Transformers 3. You had my attention after that. I don't like a lot of your stuff, but I won't allow that to be a reason for why I can't enjoy some of your stuff. And I had a very, very good time today sitting in the theater watching "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" the 2014 addition. Fuckin' awesome, dude. I do question why some things were the way they were, but overall I had a great time and apparently the crowd did too because they applauded and it has been a while since one of my movie crowds have done that. 

And also, Michael Bay, thank you for clicking back up with Megan Fox. She was a terrific April O'Neil. I would have never been able to see her in that role before this. While I was in the theater watching the movie there was a point where I said aloud "Megan Fox can act!" (SPOILER ALERT) It was when she lost her job (SPOILER ALERT OVER). I can't wait to see her again. Whoopi is always awesome, too. This movie just made the Ninja Turtles greater in my eyes. My sole request for next time, the reason we watch the Ninja Turtles... More ass kicking, please. Please! I love to see The Foot get fucked up. That's why we all loved the first movie and the critics and the parents hated it. But what the fuck do they know?

The Turtles were there, man! I mean, they were in the fuckin' house! That alone makes this movie awesome. And when you see their new beginning, you have to love it. It makes the whole thing, for everyone involved, a tighter knit. The Turtles have purpose now. And if you remember that was one thing Donatello could never get over. He couldn't accept that they were a mistake. Now they aren't. The new story is more broad and covers more people and more time. If people say it's too crazy I can only say "The story of the Turtles has always been crazy, dude." Tromaville style, bitches.

The original story is a more tragic one that involved a few people on a very personal level. Jealousy and hatred were the driving forces behind most of what was going on then. Hamato Yoshi and Oroku Saki were in love with the same woman and that shit never leads to anything good.

Today on August 8th 2014 we can move past that and now understand and accept that the Ninja Turtles came to be the way the newest movie says they came to be. I will allow you to see it for yourself and analyze it on your own. Yes, I know the internet can easily fuck up a movie before you see it by giving everything away in bits and pieces. I try to stay away from all that. All I want is a finished project. I want a house, not a fuckin' door knob. Kind of like all this Ben Affleck Batman shit. I don't want see anything else about it until they finish the movie. Jesus! JJ Abrams keeps a better lid on shit like this.

So, after reading all this shit I typed I hope you got your fill and you agree that people need to quit bitchin' about evolution. And if you're someone reading this wondering if you should go see the movie, you can do what you want to do, but, the answer is-- Yes.

Cowabunga, motherfuckers!